Battlefield Earth
The Dark Room
Why oh why – Jan 11, 2015

So I was asked? to write about this – as it was beyond entertaining. And I use entertaining in the worst possible way. So for the uninitiated The Dark Room has Sunday nights filled with the worst movies ever. Much like MST3K, there are some people who organize this and are clearly the joke-makers (comedians?, ummm no). So it started out with potential. Hey, there is free popcorn. But after 5 minutes, I already knew this was going to be a trainwreck. With a roughly 10 minute introduction for the host and the same joke repeated ad nauseam, it could only get better WORSE. WAY WORSE!

So Battlefield Earth inexplicably starts in German (well I think it was German, mine isnt too great), and the subtitles are in another language. Maybe the film would have been entirely better in another language. Then it switches to English, thankfully? Theres a few stock jokes – like how many times a word is said (i already forgot this word, and im afraid to look it up); and how many “middle” wipes are used. (you ask about these so-called middle wipes – youll wish you didnt – a lovely use of transitioning where the image parts in the center of the screen and scrolls off to each side, like Moses parting the Red Sea) So let the counting begin…. (there were a lot – like so many that I wondered who the hell made this film and had they ever actually watched other films)?!

First off a few things to note: this is somehow related to Scientology (i do NOT want to know); Forest Whittaker is in it (and i think it was mentioned about how his eye was better – majorly f-ed up joke – one of the more hilarious ones), naturally John Travolta is in it and then even more inexplicable is one Barry Pepper. Oh, and lets not be surprised, there are no women. Actually, women are f’ing smarter than this shit, enough said!

The humans are now enslaved – the year 3000. The Psychlos are running the world (hell if I know what really happened) and somehow Barry Pepper is going to save humanity. They encounter a more dystopic Denver and prob some other cities. I was never too sure about where anything was or what was actually happening. The jokes got worse, hell can you even make any good ones for a movie that is *this* bad. Honestly, I was more entertained by the drunk girl next to me, who I am pretty sure was going to be sick most the time (by the time she had the hiccups I nearly was out the door). She was giggly and making her own stupid jokes. The jokes were so bad – that early on (the only sane people there, clearly) took off like 20 minutes in. Of course they were chastised, but as I mentioned the only people who were smart enough to leave.

I think at one point or maybe 2 I fell asleep, because honestly its the only thing to explain what happens in the film. I seriously wasted an hour, going WTF is this mess. They chase each other, kill each other, probably blow each other sorry I mean blow up each other. Actually, its probably all the same if you ask me, because Im guessing its the only way people signed on to this mess. Seriously, this has got to be the worst film Ive ever seen! (and I see a lot of films)!

Apparently, Travolta had high hopes and was hoping to do a sequel. Mind Blown! My date, Ben, was the one who suggested going, so I can really only blame him, but he was also so kind as to agree to leave with me an hour in. With that being said, I have no clue how it ended, nor did we care. We reached the bar next door and had a good laugh!

What can I say… a perfect date 😉